I wrote back in February about a health scare I had involving blood, semen and prostate health. I have recently been having more episodes involving blood. A few weeks before my partner moved up to Birmingham, we were having sex and I had blood in my semen. I went to pee after and the piss was full of blood clots and very bloody. I tried to stay calm so as to not worry my bf, but I was scared. Two weeks later, I had another episode and decided to go to the emergency room. They diagnosed me as having Prostatitus, something I already knew, and gave me some antibiotics. I began to take them and then went to a scheduled appointment with my urologist and he booked me for a cystoscopy procedure. He was fairly certain that the blood was from an infection, but we needed to rule out cysts and cancer. I was given a PSA blood test and 3 weeks later I went in for my cystoscopy. I was told by a customer in the medical field that I would be "out of it" and drugged up enough that I wouldn't feel a thing, maybe just be a little sore after wards. I was ok with that. I just wanted some answers. So I go in for the procedure and the nurse tells me to strip and get up in the stirrups. I do this and as I am waiting for my IV I realize that all I am getting is a little lidocaine in my urethra. I am told that this will be a little uncomfortable. I asked him why I wasn't being knocked out and his response was "oh that's is at the expensive hospital, that costs more." Let me just go on record saying that this was the single most painful and horrific thing I have ever had to endure. I think I would take 5 root canals and 6 kidney stones over another one of these procedures. It was the equivalent to having a loblolly pine tree trunk shoved up my ass without lube or warning....HARD! The good news is, I am cancer and cyst free. I am taking antibiotics for the next 30 days to clear this infection, which, next to a bone infection, is one of the hardest ones to get rid of. The moral to it all is this, "WEAR CONDOMS PEOPLE!" I believe this was the result of anal intercourse without using a condom, I must have gotten fecal matter in my urethra and it carried bacteria back to my prostate where it settled and festered for many years (the first time I saw blood was about 3 or 4 years ago) and now it is bad enough that the Dr. said while looking through the cystoscope that my prostate looks like a bloodshot eye. The blood I have been seeing is these tiny vessels breaking and filling my semen and urine with blood. I know a LOT of gay men who have the attitude that if they are both HIV+ that they can just be unsafe with each other because what is worse than HIV, right? WRONG! The same goes for the gay couples that go and get their HIV test together and once they learn they are both negative they decide to be unsafe. That is just ignorant. I have learned that the hard way. I know this is a private matter and some may wonder why I write about shit like this. My answer is simple, if I can prevent this from happening to even one single person then I feel better. And this isn't just directed to my gay friends, I know some of you "breeders" out there do anal, don't lie, you know it's true! Don't play like you are all saintly. Just be careful! This is no laughing matter.
I don't want to be the poster boy for Prostatitus, but I hope this will bring awareness to it for some of you who take that tiny gland for granted. Trust me, you would miss it if it were taken out or in peril. Take care of your body and your self! You only get one!

Long time since I made a post, so I wanted to update this somewhat. I don't really feel inspired to write as much when I am happy and content, and while I am not completely happy, due to a really uncomfortable living situation, I am very happy in my new found relationship. Justin and I have been dating now since we met in April and things are going great. We are making future plans together, he is quitting his job and moving to Birmingham to be closer to me. I am so profoundly humbled by this. I love him with all my heart and I am so happy to tell the world! He makes me deliriously happy! When I think about what a huge step he is taking, and a leap of faith in me, it makes me want to be a better person! I know that I am true and honest, but I want to be better than just that! I want to fulfill his every need! I am working on self-improvement every day and I hope to truly deserve him when he is with me permanently.
Back in the early days when I started this journal, I had just moved into this house with my current roomie. I praised said roomie at the time. I rescind all that praise now. I just want to move, ASAP! I am so uncomfortable here, I just hope I can stand another 2 months. If a cross word is EVER said to Justin, I will leave like a thief in the night. I am already packed and I have a plan. I will NOT be fucked with and NO ONE will be rude to the man I love! Period.
My hiking group, the Gay Alabama Outsiders is still going wonderfully! I have pretty much handed over the responsibility to my friends Marcus and Benji and they have done such a great job in keeping up the motivation and interest. We have been White Water Rafting on the Ocoee, a dream I have had for this group from the very beginning. I had tears in my eyes as I was leaving, knowing that dreams can come true if you hold out long enough and have faith.
I feel disconnected and adrift because of my fucked up living situation, I hope that as soon as I can make that part of my life stable again, things will fall back into place. I want to start hiking again as soon as the weather gets colder. I miss the forest. Justin is a lover of nature like me and I hope we can spend a lot of time in the woods this winter. Even if it is just a day hike, any day in the forest with my angel is a perfect day!
Work is improving and getting steady again. I had a short period this summer where no one was calling and I barely made it through, I skipped paying a few bills but I am catching up now. I want to eventually be able to make enough to give me and Justin a good life, I want to take him all over this beautiful land of ours and show him so many things! My dream is to one day have an RV that we can take anywhere on a whim and just see the world. I am making connections with people that have the kind of life I want in the hopes that they will rub off on me and help me get a foot in the door to my dreams.
So aside from really wanting to hurry up this transition, all is well. I hope to be able to be more prolific with my writing even when I am happy. But if the price for happiness is lack of writing inspiration, I am ok with that!

Last weekend was Gay Pride in Birmingham. I have attended Pride almost every year since I move to the "Tragic" City and I must say, this was the year I was MOST proud. My gay hiking group, the Gay Alabama Outsiders participated in the Mardi Gras style parade on Saturday, and had an info/sign-up booth in the vending section at Pridefest at Sloss Furnace on Sunday. It has been a long road to get to this point, but we are nowhere near where I want us to be. This thing keeps growing and growing and my goal is for it to get to the point where I can let go of it and step back and watch others people shine. Marcus and Benji, my co-leaders have started that trend. I owe everything to them for pulling Pride off! We had a 6-foot banner and t-shirts, I feel so official now!!! Here are some pics:

<

<

<

<

Up next for us is a potluck Social Meet-And-Greet Grill-out at Oak Mtn. State Park and in August we are whitewater rafting on the Ocoee River in TN. After that we have a few overnight camping trips to places we hiked at earlier this year such as Walls of Jericho and The Champion Poplar Tree hike in the Sipsey Wilderness. With all the craziness going on in my life personally it is nice to have this one constant. Gay Alabama Outsiders and the great outdoors is my one solace and peaceful space. I am forever grateful!

more photo art projects
<

<

<

<

I am falling in love again. I don't know how this happens to me so often or why I even deserve it, but I fall in love very easily. I don't mean like just loving someone, I have loved many people. I love my family, my friends, my dog, etc. I am talking about the feeling you get when you are "in love".
Let me explain. Every time Justin leaves me to go back to Alex City I feel like my insides are being pulled out, inch by inch, until I see him again. I think about him almost every hour of every day. It borders on obsession, but it isn't destructive, I am able to function and work and exercise, but when I stop being busy, I think about his kisses, I think about his eyes, I think about the way his torso has a cut where his lats meet his abs and how it feels to run my fingers along this line as I breath in his scent. I think about the amethyst(my birth stone)I gave him to go with his rocks that he collected from the Dismals and how he carries it in his pocket always. I think of the time he texted "I miss you" one day out of the blue. I think about the way he holds my hand when we drive, no matter what. I think about our first date and how we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I think of how he almost cried when he saw how beautiful the forest was. I think about the time he asked me if I had any fruit roll-ups to snack on and it made me laugh because it was so random and childlike. I think of how open he is to anything I suggest and what a good sport he has been to all the things we have done that he wouldn't normally have been down with. I think about the day we will finally be together forever and won't have to be separated by this distance and it makes me peaceful for a moment.
My moments of happiness now exist between the time I see him and the time he leaves, everything else is just killing time.

Sitting here listening to the rain pound outside my window while the weather man drones on and on about tornado warnings and watches I have come to a realization that we have little to no say in our fate. I was supposed to be at work in less than an hour, but my appts have canceled because of the weather, so my day is changing before my eyes. My life is doing the same thing on a larger scale, and I have stopped resisting. I have to go with the flow, the tree that bends in the wind survives while the sturdy and rigid one breaks eventually.
I met Justin while camping at Wind Creek in Alex City. My friends Greg and Clint knew him and kept telling me that they wanted me to meet him. I said for them to tell him to come to the campground and hang out with us. He came with a friend and we never got a chance to speak, so I just guessed he wasn't interested. The following day, he texted Clint and asked about me. I told Clint to give him my number. We agreed to meet in town before I went home. We hit it off beautifully. His sparkling blue eyes had me captivated and I wanted to see him again. We talked on the phone some more and finally I got the nerve to ask him out on an official date. But instead of taking him to a movie and dinner, I asked would he go hiking with me. He was so enthusiastic, my heart leapt into my chest! I wanted to show him my favorite childhood picnic area in the Sipsey Wilderness. We had lunch on the river bank and watched butterflies gather and mate before our eyes in a cluster of yellow and black fluttering wings. Then we hiked a trail I had never been down. It was magical! We were so comfortable together already that I began to worry if I was just complicating things in my life unnecessarily. I had been saying all along since my break up last summer, I wanted to stay single and I wasn't going to pursue anyone. I decided I wasn't going to make the same mistakes I have made in the past. I had a set of requirements the next suitor would have to meet before I would consider going down that road again...then I saw those eyes. I felt his gentle hands caress my neck. His kisses are like honey and I melted. Fuck it! Why are we here? We are not here to do the "right" thing and play it safe. We are here to take chances and live life. We are here to take the blessings that are sent our way and revel in them. So what if this is wrong. So what if I am following the same patterns I have before. If I want to play it safe then I may as well consider myself dead. I would rather risk getting hurt again for the pleasure of getting to know this beautiful soul, than sit at home and whine about how lonely I am. We just had our second date and the 3rd and 4th are already planned. I am taking Justin to the Dismals for his birthday on the 14th. I told him I wanted to hold him under the stars. I think he was really moved by that. I am curious to see where this will lead. I am not afraid. I walk into the fire with eyes wide open. I would prefer another scar on my heart than to live with the regret of what "might have been" if I had been more courageous.

This is Justin


He makes me feel tingly.

(to be continued)

Trespass

I am in Perdido Key, Florida, gazing out at the moon over the water. Something about the ocean makes me very melancholy and reflective, I guess it is just the vastness of it. Makes me feel so small and insignificant. I am here with my cousin and my grandparents and we are skipping Easter. I try not to think about the inevitable future as I listen to my Papaw's oxygen tank whir and humm in the next room. I know they are old. I know everyone dies. I just can't think about it right now.
I have been thinking a lot about people I have shared my life with. Another ex found me on Facebook. I am getting to the age now where I can actually look back on every single relationship and examine it un-biased. I know it wasn't all my fault, but it wasn't theirs either. I hate to admit it but I have been very careless with some hearts in my past. Including my own. I know that this is all part of learning and growing but the thing that sucks is that inevitably you hurt folks along the way. I have hurt people without even knowing it. I had a lover who I adored. But I never let on how much I melted at the sight of his dark brown eyes, and how his shiny black hair made me warm and fuzzy. I never wanted to know he had the silliest sense of humor and when he slept it was like watching a baby, so innocent and content. I never told him these things because I didn't want him to know he had that kind of power over me. I would feel weak. I couldn't give in and let him have the upper hand. I never thought about it, it just played out that way. I think I often assumed he would know how I felt and never did I consider how quiet I must have seemed on his side of things. How that must have felt for him, I know it hurt him. That is my sin. Not opening up enough to let my guard down, to allow myself to be vulnerable to be hurt, yet the irony is that I hurt even worse now because of it.
I have often put my heart out on the table before I knew it was time. I have many self inflicted scars from that as well. I never think ahead, I just go with my initial feelings, lust, beauty, security, all those things that are desirable. But as time goes on, my heart won't lie. I move on, thus hurting myself and the ones who care for me.

Cocoon

The time has come to go into my inner world again. I am going to get my own place. I thought living with a room mate would make things easier, and cheaper, but I feel like I am suffocating. I need to continue this transformation in private. I need to cocoon myself and find out the true meaning of love and my existence. I know that I am capable of loving someone, but I need to understand why this is so important. When I am ready for it and if I ever do find it, I want to give it time to develop and grow from friendship first. I also have creative needs that I just can't express while co-habitating. I am not willing to make the necessary compromises, and that is essential to any partnership, be it lover or friend. And my dog comes first....period.

Amor

He saw the shiny glass orb and picked it up. He admired it's beauty from afar, but up close it took his breath away. He wanted to feel it, touch it, possess it. He clutched it tightly until he saw another. He reached for it clumsily, as it was even prettier than the first. Now he had two, but then he saw more. So he tossed the two in the air and picked up three more. He juggled the fragile orbs, taking only brief seconds to focus on each one, one at a time, until the time came when he looked away and his focus was lost. The first orb crashed to the ground shattering into a million razor sharp pieces. Then the second one came down even harder, then the rest followed. The ground was now covered in twinkling shards of broken glass. It was only then that he realized he had no shoes.

Life has been going smoothly for the most part so not a lot to report. Other than a fight with the roomie, there has been very little drama, and that is how I like it to be. I hate drama. I have no use for it.
My plans are still the same, I am working on my trip to the Grand Canyon the first week of October. I have mapped out a portion of the drive, and that is about it. So far, noi takers on the driving companion, and that is ok, I think the more time goes by, that is how I want it to be. This is going to be a spiritual journey for me, not just a mere vacation. I may need the solace.
Coming up this weekend, I have a major hike w/ the GAO to the Big Tree in Sipsey Wilderness, I already took a trial run with Marcus and it was awesome! After that, camping trips are coming up, also a beach trip in April and again in May. June will be time for Gay Pride and GAO potluck brunch. Depending on how things go w/ the roomie, July might be a moving month for me, let's hope not. Then in August Gao is taking a rafting trip down the Ocoee in TN. So...I am going to be very busy this year. The busier I am, the less time I have to think about my past losses and pain, I can move forward and see a bright future.
There is one thing looming that has me concerned, my grandparents are getting old. Their health is not good. I am real worried about Papaw, especially. If he passes before my Mamaw, then I don't know what is going to happen to her. I don't want to move to Haleyville, but I am the only one who probably could do it. It wouldn't be so bad, really. If I could work in B'ham 2-3 days a week and make some money, then have the rest of the time to take care of her and live rent free...might be ok. Especially if I can get DSL. My broadband is too weak to pick up in H'ville, my connection there is so slow, I would go insane in about a week.
I have met a sweet guy on facebook who is going to the university of Arkansas. He wants to meet in person, but I just don't know how I feel about it. He is definitely a cute, smart, sensitive guy, but I am just not ready for that. besides, it would be long distance and that never works. There is NO ONE here that interests me. Maybe I have become too picky. I don't know. It just isn't that important to me at this time to have someone in my life. There are so many factors to consider. I don't want to settle for just anyone, they have to share a common love for nature, and have respect enough for thier body that they are in good shape. I don't know why those two seem to be the hardest qualifications to find in a gay man around here, but I know that a handsome bearded masculine nature lover is out there and I am going to find him one day when the time is right. For now, I am surrounded by overweight, chain smoking, lazy, jaded, queeny, clean shaven, perfumed pussies. Gag! Birmingham has the bottom of the barrell. If I am going to meet anyone of any quality, I am going to meet them abroad. That's ok, I plan on travelling a lot!
As time goes on, I find that I am less and less interested in keeping up this journal, maybe I will have more to write on when I have a love interest or if I have to move. But for now, life is steady and calm and I am ok with that

I hate that I haven't been as faithful to this journal as I was in the beginning, but as they say "Life is what happens while you are making other plans"...I've been busy living.
First off, my health is better. I am still not sure what the hell was wrong with me, but it scared the bejebus out of me, and really made me think about a lot of changes I still need to make in my life. I went to a urologist and had more tests run and got probed (not as fun as it sounds) and basically all he could tell me was to hang tight till 2 weeks have passed, if I don't pass any more blood clots in my urine, I am all clear and I can cancel my appt with him. If I do see blood, then he said they will have to scope me, the very thought of that makes me cringe. So I am drinking lots of water and cranberry juice and crossing my fingers!
Gay Alabama Outsiders is making really big strides into becoming a full fledged, community recognized group. We have had 5 sucessfull hikes this year so far and lots of things planned for the future. Marcus and Benji have been instrumental in the growth and success of GAO. I just made a suggestion to Marcus that we should plan a "trash pick-up" day after our trip to Noccalula Falls. I was pleased with the hike but really disgusted with the garbage people leave behind in these beautiful places. I think it would be a good idea to do follow up visits to places that are partiularly trashy, esp.local parks and trails. He also suggested we contact some of the older and more established groups from Georgia, esp. Atlanta, and get on their mailing lists so maybe we can collaborate and do some joint functions. Our business cards are in, and I am saving up to purchase my first 10 t-shirts, after that I will be taking orders that I will place once a month from Cafe Press. If interested they are $15.99 plus shipping, white with our catch phrase on the front "Get OUT side!" with a big pink OUT. Contact me or Marcus for more info on ordering one. GayAlabamaOutsiders@yahoo.com I was planning on having a vehicle in the Gay Pride Parade this June, but I think it will be better to have as many people march and most of them wearing our t-shirt and holding signs and banners for the group. We are planning on having a booth at the Pride festival the next day so we can get the word out and pass out business cards. I also contacted Mark Kolinski from the environmental group Wild South (wildsouth.org) about having some literature and donor sign up sheets, so maybe we can get them some donations to help them stay afloat in this terrible economy. Our next hike is to the champion Poplar tree in Sipsey wilderness and will be our final "big" hike till fall, we will be concentrating more on camping, canoeing, rafting, and other types of outdoor social activities once spring gets here.
On a more personal front, my new salon is working out great, better than I could have ever anticipated! I am really blessed to have a recession-proof job right now, although it has been slow. I am still working on a driving route for my big "Grand Canyon" adventure in October. I haven't had any respnses for my request to have a driving partner, but it's all good. I will still be going, and NOTHING will change that! I can't wait! Once I have a detailed difinitive route I may post it in a journal, just to see how close I actually stick to it by the time I actually get to go!
Well, that is all for the time being, I hope to have more interesting stories to tell soon!

The tests all came back negative, no std's. But I still have questions. I am going to keep taking my antibiotics and if it shows up again I will make another appt. w/ the doc. I still don't know the results of my ultra sound. But I haven't had any stomach pain anymore...it has to be related.

My last post I mentioned I had recently had a health scare. I guess I need to explain a little more in detail, although I am still not certain what exactly is going on with my well being. I do know that I am no out of the woods yet.
A little over a week ago I was invited to my friends house to drink and play cards, there were about 8 of us total, and as the night progressed, it turned sexual, and I was not really into anyone there, so I kept to myself and more or less watched the others having fun. I decided to join in and began to jack off on the host, I was kinda ready to leave since I had a major hike planned for the next day and needed to get to bed. When I was about to come, I didn't feel anything out of the ordinary, but have you ever expected to see one thing and saw something totally different, and your mind just wouldn't accept it, like it was a dream or you were watching a movie? I looked downa and saw a fountain of blood gush out of my dick. For a moment I just froze. So did everyone. Then the host jumped up and rushed to the bathroom to wash the gore off of his face. I was still in shock. Another guy reached out and grabbed my arm and said "are you ok?" All I could muster was, "I feel fine, just fine, I don't know what the fuck just happened."
The next morning I got up and the first thing I did was pee. There were blood clots all in it. I still felt fine. I called a Dr. that I know through his wife and told him what happened. He said I obviously have an infection. I told him I had been having severe stomach pains for about a month and my regular Dr. had scheduled an ultrasound for the following monday,, I asked if I should go to the emergency or just wait one more day and see her after the ultrasound, he said that would be fine. So I went the next day and had the US and went upstairs to my Dr. and told them what had happened and I was taken back to a room, given a shot and had blood drawn, a urine sample and then given some antibiotics. The tests were for std's, which I guess is standard, but I have only been with 2 men since October, that can really be counted. I have not been unsafe with anyone else in the timeframe that an std would have shown up, nonetheless, I am still worried about the test results. I should know something tomorrow, but the fact still remains that even after a week of antibiiotic treatment, I peed blood again this morning. I am also haveing severe lower back pain and pain in my pelvic area. I am honestly scared, if the tests some back positive for an std, then at least that is one explaination, but I have a feeling they will be negative and I am going to be left with more questions. It may be nothing more serious than a UTI, and I am sure worse things have happened, but the sight of blood shooting out of my cock all over another person will be burned into my memory (and the memories of the rest of the group) forvever. It was bad, like the scene at the end of "Carrie". Went from porno to slasher pic in 2.5 seconds. I am just thankful the host and his partner are so cool about it. They have been very supportive and we are all hoping for the best.
I will try to update this as soon as I know more...

I haven't posted anything in a while because I have had a small health scare. I will go into more detail when I get my test results back in another week. As for now, I am stable and ok, just worried. Prayers and positive energy would be nice.

I have heard it said that you should "be the change you want to see". That is exactly what I have been trying to do for the gay community in Birmingham, now it is starting to pay off.

I started the Gay Alabama Outsiders organization in the fall of 2007 with our first hike taking place in January of the following year. Since then we have had 7 official hikes, and 4 camping trips. 2008 was a little slow going as I was all alone in the goings on there, but I could tell more and more people were hearing about us and inquiring. My friend Marcus had been involved with more events than anyone so I asked him if he would be interested in helping out a little. He has become very proactive and even has been working on business cards and t-shirts to wear at Gay Pride this June. We are planning on having a booth set up to hand out cards and get information out about our white water rafting trip in August. I am also planning on having a vehicle in the Pride Parade. Also, I am going to ask my friends in the Wild South organization if they want us to try to get some donations or new supporters by having some flyers on our table as well, that will be in keeping with my "love and respect of nature"vibe. It is so amazing to me to see the way the tiny seed I planted so long ago is now growing up into something bigger than I ever dreamed. It is like my dream is becoming a reality and I feel so blessed right now.
Last sunday we went hiking at Moss Rock Preserve and did some rock climbing in the boulder field out there. When I pulled up to the parking area, I had gotten a text from Marcus that he was meeting a few people at a nearby TJ Maxx so they wouldn't get lost looking for it as it is a new park and not very well marked. When he pulled up a few minutes later followed by a caravan of about 7 cars, I nearly teared up...this many people were actually interested in spending the day out in the woods with me? We had 17 hikers that day and it is just going to get better and better!
I can't wait till Gay Pride to proudly wear my Gay Alabama Outsiders t-shirt that reads our catch phrase "Get OUT Side!"

<

for more information on Gay Alabama Outsiders go to -
www.myspace.com/gaybamaoutsiders2

or email us directly at gayalabamaoutsiders@yahoo.com

Odd but true fact #3 - I was never born.

Actually not in the traditional sense, anyway. I was removed from my dead mother's body minutes after her death.

My mother's name was Andee Simone, she was 17 years old. She and my father met and had sex, obviously in a car backseat or somewhere like that, as they probably had to sneak around. She hid her pregnancy from her parents well, using baggy shirts, then sweatpants. Until one day she let it slip in conversation. Her mother and sister were talking about pregnancy in general, and I am told my mother said something like "that happened to me, too.....oops" and the cat was out of the bag. My parents were married in a shotgun wedding and promptly moved to Decatur to start a life together. But that isn't what fate had in mind for anyone. On the night of my "birth", my mother was having supper with my grandparents and she went into labor. She had to be taken to Burdick-West Memorial Hospital, the only hospital within a 2 hour drive of my hometown. It was a small little country hospital with minimal equipment and doctors. At approximately 12:30 on February 17th, 1970 my mother looked at my Mamaw and said, "mother, I can't breath!" I was removed from her body minutes later by a doctor using a pocket knife.

I was always told by my grandparents (her parents) that what happened was a natural phenomenon that was a one-in-a-million freak of nature. I assumed that she had hemhorraged to death and I think on some subconscious level I thought it was because of me. had I never been conceived she would still be here. I even expected to meet the same fate on my 17th birthday. When I lived through that one, I kinda moved on, I moved out and thought about it and her less and less. Not living at home with my grands (who raised me) I didn't visit her grave as often. Then on the eve of my 30th birthday I was approached by a woman who claimed to have been in the same room when I came into this world. My cousin Jim dated a guy named Edward who worked with this lady at a school for special needs kids. She put 2 and 2 together and discovered my whereabouts through Edward and came to the salon I worked at then. She asked could she speak with me and I said yes. What she told me changed everything and nothing. She said that my mother didn't have to die, that it was the doctor's blunder that took her life. He gave her an epidural shot, left the room, forgot and came back and gave her another one, and that was lethal.
The term epidural is often short for epidural anesthesia, a form of regional anesthesia involving injection of drugs through a catheter placed into the epidural space. The injection can cause both a loss of sensation (anaesthesia) and a loss of pain (analgesia), by blocking the transmission of signals through nerves in or near the spinal cord.
The epidural space (or extradural space or peridural space) is a part of the human spine. It is the space inside the bony spinal canal but outside the membrane called the dura mater (sometimes called the "dura"). In contact with the inner surface of the dura is another membrane called the arachnoid mater ("arachnoid"). The arachnoid encompasses the cerebrospinal fluid that surrounds the spinal cord.
Spinal anaesthesia is a technique whereby a local anaesthetic drug is injected into the cerebrospinal fluid. This technique has some similarity to epidural anaesthesia, and the two techniques may be easily confused with each other. I think this is what my mother had.
This lady (I forgot her name) claimed he was too old to be practicing and he was tanked on sleeping pills anyway. In his defense, he did save me, but who knows if the other part is true or not. I told her thanks for telling me, but then I was left with more questions. I have always believed that truth is more important than anything else, I would rather know a hurtful truth than be lied to. But I wondered if my grandparents knew, and why didn't they tell me. If they didn't know, then should I bring it up? I don't want them to go through anymore anguish over their loss, but my mother deserved justice. Alas, the doctor responsible is long since dead himself. So I began to visit my mother's grave more often. I just felt a need to be near her. I don't think there are any answers, and who are we to question fate. Clearly I was meant to be here, and I was meant to travel this road without her, but I always wonder what she was like, if we would have been close, if I could have been "out" to her. I doubt she would have stayed with my father, they were too young, and if she was anything like me, she would have taken back control of her life when the time came and made out on her own. I might have had siblings, too. I have 5 half-brothers who I barely know, and I am not close to my father, never really was sure why except that there was always bad blood between him and her parents. I guess they blamed him and not the doctor or fate for their loss. So much pain to bring me into this plane...I hope it was all worth it. I hope I can make a contribution worthy of all the suffering my being here caused.

To my mother, I wish I had known you, I can't wait to meet you in another life!
<

Camp Maxwell is another place in Alabama that I have all but forgotten until recently. This gorgeous canyon and bluff with a waterfall is just a mere 10 minutes from the house I grew up in, it is no wonder that I am so in love with nature, having grown up in this wonderland! My Grandmother and her best friend, Mrs. Strickland used to take me on hikes out here all the time when I was young. I have so many memories flooding back now of this place having visited it this sunday for the first time in about 15 years.Take a look:

<

<

<

<

<

Yesterday was my second hike of the year for my hiking group called Gay Alabama Outsiders. We went to a place in north Alabama called Buck's Pocket and then to a place called High Falls. I have seen some beautiful sights in Alabama since I became an outdoors man, but nothing has rivaled the majestic beauty of High Falls. A client suggested it when I was telling him I wanted to visit less known places within 2 hrs of Birmingham for my outsiders group. It came highly recommended but I was skeptical. We went to Buck's Pocket first and it was very nice, I have heard it called the "best kept secret" in Alabama and they were right. I have not really ever heard of many people talk about it, but it has been a state park for many years. It was very clean since it isn't over run by tourists, yet. Very raw and primitive, and the over looks were well maintained, very nice place, here are some pics.

<

<

<

<

Once we had finished our hike, I asked the group if they would be interested in going across the highway to see another little place called High Falls. The client who suggested Buck's Pocket also said we should make the effort because we would not be disappointed. I really didn't expect much, but I thought it would be a nice ending to an already great day before we all went our separate ways. We pulled up to the main office in a small gravel parking lot and there were signs everywhere about swimming at your own risk and park closing at dusk, etc. and then walked down a steep gravel road to a picnic area that was very rundown and old. Then we saw it, straight ahead was the most incredible sight I have seen in the great state of Alabama. I have always been the first to slag off this state because I have lived here my whole life, but I fell in love with Alabama all over again yesterday. It really is Alabama the Beautiful! Take a look!

<

<

<

<

It isn't the state that is ugly, it's the people. And I don't mean their physical appearance. I can include myself in that group, I can be real down and negative about this place, but we live in one of the most diverse lands in this country, we have mountains all the way down to the white sandy beach, we have the most rivers in the country, almost 20% of the nations rivers are in one state! We have some of the most magnificent old growth hardwood forests this side of the Mississippi! Little River Canyon is the largest canyon this side of the Mississippi and is considered the "Grand Canyon of the East"! Alabama is truly a marvel! I am honored to call it my home state!

For more pictures of this incredible place and this beautiful state I live in, please visit Gay Alabama Outsiders myspace page at
www.myspace.com/gaybamaoutsiders2

<

<

*taken from my facebook notes.

1. I am 1/4 Belgian and have been to Belgium 8 times before I was 16.

2. When I was a child the only food I would eat was buttered noodles and I became anemic and had to go on special vitamins for a long time. I still suffer from mild eating disorders, but I keep them in check.

3. I used to be in the Juice Newton Fan Club and had an autographed photo of her. I am still part of the online fan club to this very day.

4. I collect memorabilia from the 1979 Walt Disney film "The Black Hole" and have just about every item that is available except the most rare action figures or any actual movie props.

5. I wasn't "born" I was removed, my mother passed away seconds before I was taken from her womb.

6. I have never had sex with the opposite sex.

7. I own all things "Spice Girl" related, including all the cd's and solo cd's, and the dolls.

8. I had 5 years of college and no degree to show for it.

9. I smoked for 7 years off and on, and quit cold-turkey about 10 years ago.

10. I love to get dirty, just roll around in the mud dirty! I am also o.c.d. about washing my hands, will do it 40 times a day, sometimes.

11. I have 6 tattoos and plan on getting at least 4 more. One of them is of Wonder Woman, who I also collect action figures and comics of.

12. I got a penis piercing (a frenum) in San Francisco in August of '07. I was a model for a piercing class. I have also had both nipples and both ears done. I removed the nipples after my dog ripped one out with his toenail and the penis one came out after about a month. Not really into piercings anymore.

13. I freaking LOVE sour patch bears! I love the sour powder at the bottom of the bag!

14. I am considered an otter in the gay "Bear" community. An otter is a smaller, leaner hairy man who has a blue-collar aesthetic (loves the outdoors, masculine, facial hair, etc.). The Otter is also my native American totem.

15. I have never broken a bone. (knock on wood)

16. I can't drive a stick-shift.

17. I was an extra in the movie "Blue Sky" as was my grandmother. I met Jessica Lange, and Chris O'Donnell on the set. I can see myself on the dvd if I freeze-frame certain sections, and my Mamaw is seen very clearly in the parade scene.

18. I have lived in Alabama my whole life. never anywhere else....yet.

19. I have started my own Camping and Hiking group for gay men, called Gay Alabama Outsiders, and I am going to have a car or truck in the Pride Parade this summer representing my group. I am VERY proud of this fact! This group is my baby!

20. I prefer Mac over PC, DC over Marvel, Coke over Pepsi, Star Wars over Star Trek, Tolkein over C.S. Lewis, dogs over cats, and Angelina over Jennifer.

21. I used to have a hankerchief with a ball of cotton in it and a string wrapped around it like a little ghost that I carried around everywhere and called him Sam. It was the closest thing to an imaginary friend I ever had, I built him a bedroom in one of my drawers and would look for miniature furniture at flea markets to put in his room.

22. I was baptized in the First Baptist Church when I was too young to understand anything at all about God or spirituality. If I had to say what my beliefs are now, I would say that I don't believe that any ONE religion is completely right, and there are parts that I like about most, but Buddhism is the closest thing to my core beliefs, but I am not a Buddhist. If anything, I am opposed to all organized religion, because life is not that "black and white". Just my opinion.

23. I get energy and healing from natural places like lakes, rivers, forests, the ocean. I can feel a spiritual connection to it all, and I have a great reverence for mother earth.

24. I have been a vegetarian for almost 3 years now, but specifically I am a lacto-ovo-pesca vegetarian. (I eat fish and dairy and eggs) just no mammals or poultry or swine.

25. I have a mortifying fear of spiders, so bad that once there was a large garden spider in my car and I jumped out of it while driving, then proceeded to call a taxi and a tow-truck to deal with the situation.